It seems like every week there’s a new giant yacht docked at the waterfront. Whenever one arrives, the city buzzes with curiosity and the Mayor sounds the yacht siren.
The most recent enormous yacht (pronounced yakked) belongs to Andrey Melnichenko, who co-founded MDM Bank and is one of the richest people in Russia. His 394-foot yacht is nicknamed “A” after his wife Aleksandra Nikolic, a Serbian model (is this a humor column or Entertainment Tonight?).
When a two-sentence bio about you involves the words “yacht” and “model” and “bank,” you know you’re doing well. A bio about me would only involve the words “Honda” and “one pair of pants” and “frozen mac and cheese.” To each his own, I guess.
This particular yacht is said to have a water garage, a room done with stingray hides (really), and three swimming pools, one of which converts to a dance floor. I would really hate that last feature, because I don’t dance or take my shirt off in public.
“You sure you don’t want to join us, Chason?”
“Nah, I’ll just hang out in the stingray room.”
Whenever a humongous yacht docks at the waterfront, I like to head down, stand on the dock and go, “Hey, can I see your yacht? I won’t touch anything.” And the guy’s usually like, “If I let you on, I have to let everyone on.” And then I pee on his yacht.
Sometimes, I like to hold meetings next to the yacht, and then I walk toward the person from the direction of the yacht so it looks like I just got off it. So far no one’s ever asked me if the yacht was mine, but I think that’s because they know it’s rude. You don’t ask a man about his yacht.
Some people think yachts are excessive, but not me. They’re actually pretty logical. Let’s say you’re on a plain boat, and you have to pee. What are you going to do? Pee in the ocean? That’s how you attract sharks! (I may be confusing pee with blood, as I often do.) So you need a bathroom. And what if, after you pee, you want to play a grand piano underneath a seventy-foot skylight? How are you going to do that on regular fishing boat? Not very well, I’ll say that.
As I was literally writing this, another giant yacht docked in Seattle (so many yachts!). Named Kogo (Kogo?), this one is merely 235 feet and belongs to French/Saudi Arabian billionaire Mansour Ojjeh, who owns part of Techniques d’Avant Garde, a holdings company with multiple interests worldwide (not going to lie, I barely know what a holdings company is). The coolest of their holdings is a Formula One team, and I’ve made it known that I’m available as a driver.
I wonder if yachts ever race. It’s probably hard with all the delicate stuff inside. “Of course Lord Montgomery won,” a third place finisher would complain. “He doesn’t have a swinging chandelier to worry about.” And how would the chefs arrange food with tweezers during a race? Plenty of factors to consider. Still, the general public would probably love to watch a yacht race (for the crashes).
According to Puget Sound BizTalk, Kogo has seven staterooms (what’s a stateroom?), a steam room (can you have a steam stateroom?), a dance floor, an outdoor movie theater (outdoor?), a full gym, a swimming pool, and two Jacuzzis (one indoor, and one outdoor). Perhaps you think that’s a little much, but let me ask you this: have you ever purchased truffle-flavored popcorn? You have? Then shut up! It’s the same thing (sort of).
My dream has always been to leave Seattle and only return in a gargantuan yacht. “You’ll see!” I yell crazily at my friends, shaking their heads with tears in their eyes. “I’ll be rich as a rocketeer and will dock the biggest yacht anyone’s ever seen on the waterfront! Then who’ll be laughing!”
And I will actually return on a giant yacht, having taken a yacht owner hostage. “Just drive by slowly. I’ll wave, and once my friends see me, I’ll release your race car.”