Commuting to work can be very stressful, especially if you work in space. You’d have to get a ride on a rocket every day, take a capsule back to earth (that’s how they still do it, right?), crash into the ocean, wait for a helicopter to pick you up, and then readjust to gravity. It’s a whole thing, but it’s better than living in the International Space Station. Apodments have more square footage.
A recent KOMO News article highlighted the effects that commuting has on our health. Did you read the article? I asked you to read the article before coming here. Well, why don’t we all just wait while you read the damn article? You keep this up and I’ll have you sent back to prison. Don’t think I won’t. (Sorry, they give me too much freedom at this paper.)
According to KOMO, Americans spend about 51 minutes a day commuting, and the longer your commute is, the more likely you are to be stressed and have high blood pressure, which seems self-explanatory, until you consider that it is. Many in Seattle, whether they’re heading east, south, or, God forbid, crossing the West Seattle Bridge, deal with horrible commutes to work every day. Most of the delays in traffic are due to Seattle drivers not knowing when it’s their turn to go, but I digress.
My commute is no exception. I have to drive 20 miles, then change cars, drive another 20 miles, then paint my car a different color, then hike, climb a wall, swing on a rope over some crocodiles, fight a troll, resuscitate that same troll, catch a bus that can only go 50 miles an hour, rent a Zipcar, and find parking (parking is the hardest part). Sometimes I just take the bus, but only when I’m late.
Fret not, citizens, for I’m here to help you get through your commute. You simply need to fill your car with plenty of entertaining things, like music, food, video games, 3D puzzles, remote-controlled cars (you can drive them alongside your own idling car), kites (bad example), and one of those Newton’s Cradle things (look at those metal balls swing!).
Remember, as well, that your imagination can take you anywhere, even if you’re stuck in traffic. You can pretend that you’re on a stakeout, in a spaceship, on a stakeout in a spaceship, or in a really fancy car (like a Delorean). As Hamlet once said, “I could be bounded in a nutshell and count myself a king of infinite space, were it not that I have bad dreams.” If you ignore the bad dreams part of that sentence, Hamlet is in full agreement with me, as he is on most things.
Maybe take the opportunity to flirt with people in adjacent cars. “You come here often?”
Of course, you could just live close to work. Don’t tell your boss, though, or they’ll always expect you to come in on time. When you have a long commute and make it known that you have a long commute, bosses expect less. In a way, the commute is so long that you’re doing them a favor by even showing up at all! No?
The only other option is sleeping at work like they do in science fiction movies. You spend all day installing a part for a planet-destroying laser beam, and then you return to your sleep pod two feet from your workstation. It’s a living.
I’d be lying if I said that I’ve never slept at work. You know how it is. Sometimes you’re working really late after everyone’s gone, lay down on the sofa for a nap, and then all of a sudden you’re woken up by the feeling that you’re late for work, even though it’s morning and you never left. So you go home and call in sick. (I can sense that everyone reading this has never done that, so I’m just going to move on.)
What people truly hate about commuting is that it forces them to examine all the major decisions that they’ve made in life, and once they’ve done that, their car has only moved 10 feet. Frankly, the best solution is to buy a monster truck and drive over the other cars. But you know how it is, everyone else will start buying monster trucks, and then you’ll just have a bunch of monster trucks stuck in traffic.
Anyway, I hope this article helped.