by Chason Gordon
- The Capitol Hill Times -
Did everybody have a good Sochi? Was it a good Sochi or a bad Sochi? Can you see that I’m too amused by asking people how their Sochi was? Sorry.
I hope that everyone enjoyed their sofa Olympic experience, and that their countries did well in the medal count. It’s not for me to presume that you live in the U.S. This article might have a global reach (just go with it). Maybe you were cheering for Norway or Latvia or that other country that I’m not even going to try and spell (I’m acting like I didn’t get up at 4 a.m. on Sunday to watch the Canadians win gold in hockey).
I prefer the winter Olympics to the summer Olympics (unless there’s a fall Olympics that I’m unaware of, because I’d love to see athletes do their sports in piles of leaves); the reason is that it’s tough watching people exercise, but it’s a little less painful when it’s a type of exercise that I can’t afford to do. When I watch the summer Olympics, I feel physical pain whenever I watch athletes run for no reason and jump to nowhere in particular and swim even though they’re not drowning, because I have every easy access to those things. I could be jumping and running right now, this very moment.
Skiing and snowboarding and ice-skating, however, have easy avoidance excuses that come with them. If I wanted to ski right now, I’d have to find a mountain, somehow get some skis, stand on them, and learn how to ski. Forget that. Do you know a clothing store that sells those precious figure skating outfits? Does Eddie Bauer have them? I just hate shopping. That’s the only thing that’s preventing me from figure skating. I already know how to throw a woman in the air, I think.
Obviously, the problem with the Olympics is the lack of overweight people. Every year they should allow one sad, fat man in, and we could watch him compete in every single event, like luge, ski jumping, figure skating, and that one where they ski with guns. Perhaps just randomly select one person (or perhaps one from every country), give them no warning, and just force them to compete in the clothes that they have on. If they say no, you throw them in prison in whatever country is holding the Olympics.
Sure, it might undermine the integrity of competition, but ratings would soar. Imagine having commentary like, “Around the corner comes Russia, followed by Sweden, and in last place, Frank, the 48-year-old actuary from Dayton, Ohio.” I’d watch that, even if Frank later failed an Olympic drug test because of his heart and scalp medication. He wouldn’t have any medals to be taken away, but you could have officials take away a sandwich on camera. Just spit-balling here.
My favorite thing about the Olympics is that, unlike how they do things in public schools these days, everybody is not a winner. There are people who win and people who lose and no amount of rationalization or feel-goodness (is that a word?) can take that away. You don’t get a ribbon just for competing, though I’m sure there’s some great swag, and sex. Probably a lot of sex.
Yes sir, the Olympics have finally come to an end, and to be honest, I’ve never understood the flame. I know that it’s a metaphor for something, but haven’t looked it up. Is it a reference to the fiery pits of hell that await Olympic losers? Is it a remnant of the very first flame humankind created in some cave? Is it a push for coal power? Or is it meant to symbolize the ingenuity of humankind in a Promethean kind of way? It’s that, isn’t it? Prometheus once stole fire from Zeus, and that’s why I’m watching curling at 8 a.m. on a Tuesday. Whatever, I’ll take it.