by Chason Gordon
- The Capitol Hill Times -
As is customary with mayors before every Super Bowl, Mayor Ed Murray made a so-called friendly bet with Denver Mayor Michael Hancock, which was announced Monday morning at a press conference. I also held a press conference announcing my bet with my friend Pete, but no one covered it. Whatever.
First of all, a friendly bet is not a bet. That’s like a flightless bird, an honest thief, or an honest, flightless thief bird, which would have a lot of trouble getting away (picture the heist scene in “Heat” with penguins). A friendly bet is an oxymoron, which I know is not the same as alliteration or a synecdoche (this is the sum of my college education). When mayors make friendly, harmless bets, they have nothing to lose, and only gain positive press, making them look like casual, fun-loving guys. I won’t have it!
Let’s take a look at what the mayors put on the line. If we win, Mayor Hancock (like the Will Smith movie!) would send over green chili (red’s better), a ball cap, hoodie, and skis (toboggans are better). Mayor Hancock would also have to wear an outfit resembling the one in Macklemore’s “Thrift Shop” video. If Denver wins, our own Mayor Murray would send over Dungeness crab, salmon and a bicycle, and Murray would have to wear Broncos pajamas on PJ Day, which is a thing that exists.
I’ll tell you, if all these items were prizes on The Price is Right, I’d punch Drew Cary in the face and walk off the stage. A ball cap? A hoodie? A bicycle? What lame PR person came up with those? Where’s the team spirit? Where’s the heart?
The entire friendly wager is apparently for charity, and that’s the problem. Look, if you want to give to charity, give to charity (the Chason fund!), but don’t make it part of a bet. A bet should never benefit a third party. If a third party is to be involved, they should only lose something and not be told about it in advance, like betting your mother’s house, your son’s dog or your neighbor’s kidney. That’s a bet. You can’t make a bet that benefits needy strangers. Your gambling problem should only hurt those you know and love (is this getting too negative?).
If Mayor Murray really believes in the Seahawks, than he’s got to put something major on the line. So, if Seattle loses, we’d have to either have to shave 500 feet off the Space Needle, give Denver Macklemore’s Grammys, put a Broncos jersey on the downtown Hammering Man, hand Denver ownership of Dick’s or Top Pot, force Murray to act against his campaign promises, give Denver Bertha, or airlift out all of Pike Place Market. That would be dedication.
Of course, if Denver loses, then they would have to give Seattle the Colorado Avalanche (they’re better this year, I swear), regrade the Colorado section of the Rocky Mountains into a flat surface (it will take time), reverse the legalization of marijuana, make the entire Manning family relocate to Seattle, ban skiing for a year, or rename the Denver Omelet the Seattle Omelet (and I don’t even like omelets). Not so confident in your offense now, are you Denver?
And so we wait for Sunday, (unless you’re reading this Monday, in which case don’t tell me what happened). I hope that the Seahawks aren’t disillusioned by the lightweight bets that our mayor made. Know that I have faith in you Seahawks, more faith than a piece of salmon or a confused and frightened Dungeness crab in a box. Which I why I am stating here, on this day, in this time, that if the Seahawks lose, I will eat an entire plate of tear-soaked nachos. Nachos are fattening, so that’s a sacrifice.