“Winter is coming.” - Game of Thrones
by Chason Gordon
- The Capitol Hill Times -
Well, autumn is finally here, just as I’ve readied my autumn body. Most people work on getting their body ready for summer and beaches and revealing clothing. I find that it makes more sense to use the summer to perfect my autumn body, which is perfectly suited to long sleeves, flannel and heavy, thick jackets. Why go out of your way to lose weight and look good for our brief summer, when you could take it easy and look even better for our endless fall season? Skinny people don’t look good in layers; overweight people do. They appear powerful. You stick an overweight man in a Gore-Tex jacket and it looks like he can lift a house.
For some reason, fall has an official start time. The first day of fall was officially September 22, beginning precisely at 4:44 in the afternoon. Did you feel the switchover? It would have felt like that moment when you realize you’ve left something in the oven, only to discover that you have no oven. As soon as the clock struck fall, I poured a bottle of sunscreen in the toilet and burned my shorts in a metal trash can (I threw some pictures of my ex-girlfriend in for good measure).
Autumn is easily my favorite season, which is odd, because I hate the word autumnal. It’s an awful word, like chipotle or proactive. Autumnal sounds like a word created by a copywriter at Bed, Bath & Beyond. “Hang these elegant, autumnal curtains to give your living room that cottage feeling.” Autumnal can sound good when used in conjunction with disgusting acts. You could say, “I just took an autumnal shit,” or “My warts have an autumnal coloring.” Something like that.
You’re probably wondering why the leaves change color, as well as why your father left. I’m going to focus on the first part. Leaves are green in the summer because they contain ample amounts of chlorophyll, the production of which is regulated by light. As the days get shorter in autumn, the green chlorophyll fades away, leaving the far better looking reds, yellows and oranges. Why don’t the trees just go to a GNC and buy some chlorophyll supplements? Because trees are a proud race that would rather die than buy supplements from a human in a mall.
This year, autumn began with a heavy rainstorm, as if to thrust Seattle back into reality from the long and bright summer. In case you need your bearings, let me remind you how to deal with rain. If you run through the rain in an attempt to escape it, you will hit the raindrops faster, but if you walk through it, more will have the chance to hit you. It’s definitely a predicament. You could try walking between the raindrops. I figure there’s at least an inch or two of space on either side of every raindrop. A lithe person, like Mister Fantastic or Keanu Reeves, could probably manage it.
One way to deal with rain is to block it with an umbrella or a child or a newspaper (not this one). Of course, there’s a bit of a stigma against umbrellas in Seattle. They say umbrellas are for tourists, and that it’s best just to brave out the rain. I would certainly do that, if not for the abundance of stick-on tattoos all over my body. I have a unicorn riding a unicycle on my neck, the last shot in “The Godfather” on my back, and some saltine crackers just below my bellybutton. To see them wash away in the rain would be devastating, though it would give me an excuse to finally take a shower.
This past summer was one for the ages. We had over 40 days at or above 80 degrees, warm muggy nights, and enough sunlight to burn several thousand ants with a magnifying glass, provided that that’s what you did with your days. It was a personal summer as well. I must have taken over 500 showers, needing several a day due to my overactive sweat glands. And oh, how I used the air conditioner in my car, so much so that one afternoon my alternator died, along with the battery, and I found my vehicle completely without power as it rolled to a stop at the side of the road. Costly and stressful, it was nonetheless a small price to pay to literally never feel heat in my car.
We should enjoy these natural changes in seasons, because in the future, all major cities will have protective domes over them, and everyday citizens will vote for the weather. Once the votes are tallied, government scientists shall engineer sunlight or rain or locusts based on what the majority wanted. Of course, those who then complain about the weather will be executed. Jeez.