I’m looking for an apartment

by Chason Gordon
- The Capitol Hill Times -

I’m looking for an apartment. A studio or a one bedroom or several roomy closets that I can pass between with a magic key. It should have four walls (in any order) and a floor and ceiling so I don’t fall or float out. Do you know of anything like that?

According to Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, human beings need shelter, and I need an apartment. Mind you, I have shelter at the moment. I’m not living under a bridge like my editor. But my Craigslist searching has been unsuccessful and countless doors have been slammed in my face. “It’s been rented,” they say, “now get off my property.” Then I stick my foot in the door threateningly and they call the police. I should stop doing that.

Before you throw me the keys to your place in a fatherly manner, let me tell you what I’m looking for.

First off, I need quiet. I don’t want to hear steps above me or even below me, in case the tenants have anti-gravity boots. I don’t want to hear loud music, unless it’s something relaxing like Enya or Sigur Ros. I don’t want to hear talking or yelling or any communicating of information. I don’t want to hear the highway. I don’t want to hear peeing; I’ve heard a lot of peeing in my apartments and it cuts deep every time (my own peeing is okay with me, because it sounds like a babbling brook, or is it bubbling brook?).

Yes, I should probably go live in the country, and I will, as soon as I make my fortune or commit a crime, whichever comes first. And in case you’re wondering, I am also a very quiet tenant, though I do have a rock tumbler.

I need a good view. No walls or back alleys or people holding signs that say “Chason sucks!” I want something pleasant, like a tree or street or someone holding a sign that says “Chason rules!” It would help if the view was high above the ground. Nothing below the 5th floor, because I’d like to stand on my balcony (if there’s a balcony) and make fun of the people walking by without them hearing me. I once tried that on the 3rd floor and was beat up several times (I got some good shots in). The apartment should be high enough that I feel superior to people, as if the rules of morality and civilization don’t apply. I want to look out over the city and say, “Who am I?”

The apartment should be roomy. I prefer a big open space, as opposed to a solid block (where would I sit?). My natural pacing spans about 10 to 20 feet. If I don’t have room I won’t be able to solve my problems or avoid them by pacing. I also like to play with bouncy balls, and if the apartment’s too small I’ll put my eye out. Granted, I don’t have a lot of things. My possessions amount to a couple of rubber bands and some hockey cards. Much like Robert Deniro in “Heat,” I need to be able to take off at any minute in case things get dicey. Sorry ladies.

Of course, there’s the issue of cost. I certainly can’t afford anything I’ve described in the previous few paragraphs, but that’s never stopped me before. I don’t want to get into specific numbers. Just take whatever rent you’re imagining and lower it. Now lower it again and half that number. Now run around the room banging a pan. Oh, Simon didn’t say! (I’m an idiot.)

If you can’t think of any apartments that fit my many conditions, I am willing to consider special living arrangements. I don’t know if you’ve seen “Sunset Boulevard,” but I could easily play the role of William Holden for some rich old lady. Or perhaps you need a live-in comic, someone to make humorous observations while you go about your day. I’m the man for the job! You provide room, board (what’s board mean?), food, and the occasional neck massage, and I’ll provide the jokes.

So, do you know of any apartments like that? Do you guys have any leads? Do you mind giving up your own apartment? Why should you have an apartment and not me? Really? That’s a pretty good reason.

Come through for me Capitol Hill. Feel free to comment below (on the website, not on the newspaper, because I won’t be able to see that). Or send a note to my editor (I can’t have direct contact with people). Let’s not sleep until Chason Gordon finds a home! Do you hear me Chris Hansen? Most of this was directed at you.

On Twitter @chasongordon